Happy Birthday, Lilly

I didn’t want to go out on such a night but I had no choice. It was my younger sister’s birthday and I’m supposed to be celebrating with her.

I didn’t want to go out on such a night but I had no choice. It was my younger sister’s birthday and I’m supposed to be celebrating with her. But fuck, these withdrawals are slowly ripping me from the inside out. The sweat, the shivers, and those fucking aches are by far the worst. It feels like laying down on the highway, getting crushed by the weight of each passing vehicle over and over again. I knew that getting my fix would take it all away.

I paced around all day staring at my phone. Anxiously awaiting the call from my dealer to let me know that my antidote has arrived. To me, it didn’t feel like it was heroin that was the poison anymore, instead, it was those fucking withdrawal symptoms.

When the call finally came in, I hugged my sister and told her that I would be back shortly, that I had to run out and grab some last-minute stuff for her birthday. She looked at me with those big puppy dog eyes, which I loved but hated at the same time. I knew how much she looked up to me and I could feel the guilt eating away at my broken soul. I became her primary caregiver last year when our parents passed away from a tragic car accident. It was the overbearing weight of grief and new responsibilities that led me into this path of using.

Grabbing my jacket, I quickly ran out the door and headed down the street. It was freezing out and I was shivering but my body was still dripping with sweat, gushing out of every pore. All I could think about on the walk there was how I wish I could fucking walk quicker but the pains are slowing me down.

When I arrived at his doorstep, I could already feel a sentiment of relief starting to creep in. He let me inside and we headed into the back bedroom. The place was pretty grimy, with torn furniture, old food left out, and weathered walls.

“So what ya want? The usual?” My dealer asks me.

“Yep,” The words leaving my mouth quicker than I thought was even possible.

On the journey back home, I make a quick stop at the convenience store to grab Lilly a last-minute card and present. My thoughts and feelings recently have just revolved around drugs that I forgot her birthday was even coming up until she mentioned it to me the other week.

Opening the front door quietly, I head up to my bedroom, telling her to wait downstairs for just a moment because I have to go and put something special together for her.

I place everything on my end table. Teddy bear, card, candy bar for her, and heroin for me.

Now it’s time.

I immediately go to reach for the dope. Not yet, I tell myself. I never filled out her card and I’ve been feeling like such a fuck up lately so I want to write something extra sentimental in there for her. She may only be ten years old but I know she’ll appreciate the written love when she’s older and looks back on it. I know that once I shoot up my script will be so fucking sloppy that not even a handwriting expert would be able to decipher what I was trying to say.

Dear Lilly,

I can’t wait to continue to be by your side through each passing year, watching you grow into the amazing woman that I just know you will become. Forever, I will be by your side guiding you through the waves of life. Know that Mom & Dad would be so proud of you and who you are becoming.

Happy Birthday, I love you so much.

Love, Matt xo

I reach into my drawer and pull out a tie to wrap around my arm, it’s the same one I wore to my parent’s funeral. I pull one end of it tightly with my teeth and try to find the juiciest vein that I can, giving it a few taps. As I begin to inject the brown syrupy elixir, I try not to think about my innocent sister who’s downstairs just waiting around for me. I start to feel the heroin pumping through my mind, body, and soul. I immediately collapse into my mattress, which feels like a giant marshmallow right now.

I feel my eyes slowly shut and everything inside me begins to feel warm and fuzzy. I’m nodding off, and with each breath I find myself sinking deeper and deeper, farther than I’ve ever gone before.

It’s like a never-ending void of darkness that I’m being pulled into.

I hear my sister walk into my bedroom but I can’t see her. My eyelids are so heavy that no matter how hard I try, I can’t open them. I can’t fucking move at all. I feel like a balloon that’s getting all of the air slowly deflated out of it. I can feel the color draining out of my skin. The tepid foam that’s started to gargle up my throat is now leaking out of my mouth.

I’ve heard of it becoming a big problem in my area but I never thought that it would happen to me. As I find myself treading the thin line between life and death, my sister’s blood-curdling screams pierce the air as she frantically attempts to wake me from my unconscious state. As my mind slowly drains away, the last thought I ever have is —

Fucking Fentanyl.